I had made a few attempts when I was a teenager to free myself from the influence of my mother, and someone at the time asked me how I would feel if she died. Well I can honestly answer that now. Terrible. I feel terrible. But it is not for the reasons that you might think. I do not feel regret that I kept her from my life for the past twenty three years... she was toxic and I could not allow her to come anywhere near my family. My heart is broken. I mourn for something I never had, never could have had, because no matter how well I have lived my life, or suceeded in things that my own mother failed tragically in... she still would not have loved me.
So it has been a stressful couple of months, but I am through the other side of my troubles now, and ready to start talking again about one of my great loves...books! That is not to say that there is still a great deal of sadness here in my heart, like I said, I am broken, but I think it might perhaps make me more compassionate in what I read. My world view has changed. I have a hankering for something profound to dig in to. We will see. I promise a new entry soon. Have a nice weekend!