Friday, September 5, 2014

My Apologies...

It has been a difficult couple of months, starting with my laptop frying and losing all of my notes for the  many books I had read and not posted yet.  It was a severe blow.  Then about the same time I was working on filing a grievance against someone for harrassment at work,  which was excruciating to say the least.  Then I went to Australia for the summer, and found out that my mother had passed away six years previously and that we (my brothers and myself) were not to be notified as "she hated the lot of us".   This is where you can see why I have always been able to sympathise with my characters in books with terrible parents...
I had made a few attempts when I was a teenager to free myself from the influence of my mother, and someone at the time asked me how I would feel  if she died.  Well I can honestly answer that now.  Terrible.  I feel terrible.  But it is not  for the reasons that you might think.   I do not feel regret that I kept her from my life for the past twenty three years... she was toxic and I could not allow her to come anywhere near my family.  My heart is broken.  I mourn for something I never had, never could have had, because no matter how well I have lived my life, or suceeded in things that my own mother failed tragically in... she still would not have loved me.
So it has been a stressful couple of months, but I am through the other side of my troubles now, and ready to start talking again about one of my great loves...books!  That is not to say that there is still a great deal of sadness here in my heart, like I said, I am broken, but I think it might perhaps make me more compassionate in what I read.  My world view has changed.  I have a hankering for something profound to dig in to.  We will see.  I promise a new entry soon.  Have a nice weekend!

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